Hostage
I recently told my story live on stage. I talked about fighting. About how it’s been important for me to use kinder, gentler words than what’s typical when it comes to cancer and healing. So we’re not talking about killing cancer here. We’re not calling me a “warrior.” And I’m not trying to pick a fight.
Fighting is stressful. And stress is the number one cause of disease.
Of course, boundaries don’t always hold on their own, and as it happens, fights keep finding me.
Originally, I had scheduled an updated CT scan with my oncologist through a giant local hospital for earlier this year. I’d been seeing this particular doctor at this particular hospital for monitoring since I switched there shortly after the diagnosis. I like her. She respects me. And doing this type of monitoring with her through that hospital made sense at the time. It also didn’t cost me a single penny out of pocket when I was on state insurance.
Fast forward to last year when I got kicked off of state insurance because getting a job to cover increasing expenses and pay down our debts meant that on paper, I made too much money to qualify. Now that I’m on my husband’s insurance, my annual individual deductible is $4,000. Which is honestly not terrible. Over the years, I’m sure we’ve had higher.
The problem is, who has an extra $4,000 just laying around when they’re trying to dig their family out of years of debt and pay for holistic healing cancer treatments out of pocket? Not me.
The other problem is that when I checked the order for the CT scan that my oncologist sent through the giant hospital system, I saw the estimated cost, too. The hospital charges my insurance company almost $20,000 for the test and all the related services, leaving me on the hook for paying my entire deductible all at once.
It felt extremely overwhelming, and I didn’t have the capacity to process such an expense along with “scanxiety” that always surfaces when I have to go in for these tests.
So I cancelled the scan to give myself time to look into other, potentially more affordable options.
In our area, there are a few stand-alone imaging centers. They claim that they will do the imaging at a fraction of the cost of the larger hospital systems and even work with insurance. Great!
So I requested that my oncologist provide me with the orders so that I could go to one of these other centers to have the scan done more affordably.
She said no.
And the reason they gave me felt a lot like I was being held hostage. Because if I want monitoring from a legit oncologist at a big name hospital, I have to pay up. I have to go on a payment plan or apply for aid. I have to spend my whole deductible in one place. For one test.
To be fair, I don’t think that the individual oncologist doesn’t want me to get a more affordable scan. I think that the hospital system needs to feed its bottom line, and she just so happens to be a part of that system.
You might be thinking, “How is it not a good thing to meet your deductible early in the year and have everything after be covered?” It’s not a good thing for me because I tend to avoid traditional western medicine for most things. I probably wouldn’t meet the deductible ever if I didn’t have a cancer diagnosis.
Add to that the fact that I strongly believe that the entire medical system is flawed and overinflated. Its reliance on toxic drugs and surgeries is NOT what I would categorize as healthcare. I’ve seen too much. It’s sick-care. The SYSTEM (not all doctors or nurses individually) is designed to keep people sick and dependent on the SYSTEM. Because that’s where the money is—in keeping people sick enough to rely on doctors, surgeries and multiple prescriptions for the rest of their lives but not so sick that they die.
Hospitals are popping up everywhere. The hospitals that already exist are constantly expanding and upgrading. Meanwhile, the health of our population continues to decline.
I’m not at all thrilled with the idea of even a few thousand of my hard-earned dollars going to feed this beast. It’s the principle of it all more than anything.
The other thing is that while $4,000 may be a drop in the bucket to some (like a giant hospital system), to me and my family, it’s more than significant. The same amount of money could fund three months of the treatments I’m actually pursuing—the services that are making a difference in how my body is both feeling and functioning day to day, week to week, month to month.
This one scan? It won’t move the needle in the slightest. And it won’t change what I’m doing about cancer.
And to everyone who wants to know how my scans are looking and what the doctors say, my question back to you is this: What will you do with that information?
For me, I will learn one of three things from a CT scan and a check-in appointment with my oncologist:
The cancer has progressed.
The cancer has not changed much or at all.
The cancer is going away.
I know that it’s not gone. I can still feel the swollen lymph nodes that were my first clue something wasn’t right. Until those are gone, I know I still have work to do.
In each scenario, there are risks.
If the cancer has progressed, my response will be to pursue more extreme holistic methods. People around me may pressure me to reconsider my choice not to use western medical options, leading to stress, disharmony or the kind of fights I’d prefer to avoid.
If there is no change, I may still pursue more extreme holistic methods. I will continue doing what I’m doing, but I also could get overconfident and fall off the wagon again, making things worse for myself in the long run.
If there is a reduction in affected areas, I might feel validated in the moment but self sabotage my way into old habits either consciously or subconsciously and backslide. People around me might not realize that there is still a long road for me ahead as they breathe a sigh of relief with me for a moment.
When I told my WHEN Story, I talked about dropping the fight.
My oncologist and the hospital she works for are holding me hostage, whether they mean to or not. The ransom is $4,000. And don’t you worry… ultimately, I’ll end up paying it soon enough. Because I’ve been fighting for a couple of months now to find a different way, and I’ve been defeated at every turn.
I have also been fighting to explain myself to family and friends who are concerned for my health and want to know the data around it for their own reasons. They have reluctantly trusted me so far, and for that I am truly grateful. I still have mixed feelings about giving in and getting the scan, though.
Meanwhile, I did recently have a full blood panel done, and all my numbers looked really, really good. I know that I still have work to do and a long way to go, and with the support of so many of my friends and family, I continue to be able to do what I need to do. That is some good news.
The holistic route that I’ve chosen isn’t cheap either, but I know that when I allocate my resources in that direction, I’m investing in a system that doesn’t just want me to survive, it wants me to be completely healed, living well and thriving. And that’s exactly what I plan to do.
If you’re interested in supporting my healing, you can donate through the GoFundMe below or visit saradeacon.com/support for other options.