Photo Credit: Abbie Miller, Stories Framed Photography
I always considered myself a healthy person.
I birthed three healthy sons between 2007 and 2014.
I breastfed for years.
I walked for miles around the zoo, played at parks and had epic lightsaber battles in our yard.
I started karate at age 39.
I earned my Black Belt at age 42.
I have sparred and trained with my sons for almost six years in the martial arts.
I earned my 2nd Degree Black Belt at age 44.
At some point, cancer started growing in my body anyway.
I exercised. I tried to make healthy food choices, even though I had a sweet tooth and gave into it. A lot.
A big revelation I’ve had on my healing journey is that being unhealthy doesn’t always look like sickness.
I was never too overweight or sickly or super low energy. I could take walks and play with my kids. I could do almost anything physically required of me for work or fun. Most of my ailments were mild and easily written off as part of my body’s natural aging process.
I was always proud of and grateful for my body. For its strength and ability to do all that it did. I tried not to take it for granted.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, it was hard to admit that I hadn’t been treating my body with the respect it deserved. It was hard to admit that I hadn’t been caring for my body as well as I thought.
A few years ago, I learned that I was allergic to nightshades. This was during a time when I was really making an intentional effort to eat healthy, exercise and improve my strength and fitness. I was eating a lot of vegetables like spinach (not a nightshade), potatoes (nightshade), tomatoes (nightshade) and peppers (nightshade). When I learned that I could no longer enjoy most of my favorite vegetables, I began to eat fewer and fewer vegetables altogether. I read The Carnivore Code and told myself it was fine or maybe even better to eat more meat and fewer plants.
With this cancer diagnosis, I knew that my diet had to be a big part of the dis-ease in my body. I’d gone off sugar before, when I was trying to figure out my allergy, as well as gluten and eggs, so I knew that even though I’d recently stopped reading food labels as closely, it didn’t mean that there weren’t still toxic ingredients in my food. I’d just stopped paying attention.
I’ve been paying attention again. My intention is to eat whole foods that are plant based. Choosing fresh ingredients over prepared options. Choosing organic when possible. As much as I can make myself from scratch, I do.
The more I’ve been paying attention to my health and the food that I eat, the more it amazes me that I wasn’t even more sick long before my diagnosis. It’s surprising that more people aren’t sicker, to be honest, including my family. The body compensates to keep us alive. That’s its job.
I’m not making everyone in my home eat the way I’m eating to heal my cancer. It’s taken a lot of effort to change my own eating habits. They’re all eating more vegetables than they used to, which is good. And they’re still eating much the way we all used to, too, which I try not to take on or judge. I’m noticing.
I’m noticing how much better I feel eating more plants. I’m noticing how much less I miss the sweets and treats. I’m noticing how my body responds to emotions and stress because all of that is no longer overshadowed by its responses to the food that’s not good for me.
The flip side of all of this is that I don’t look like someone dealing with cancer. I look healthy. Healthier than I did when I thought I was healthy. My skin is soft and glowing. My clothes fit better. Most days, I have plenty of energy.
And I know that I still have a long way to go.
There are days I choose to eat a piece of chocolate. There are days I eat out and have no real control over the way the food is prepared. I’m trying not to beat myself up for these choices and make better choices for the next meal… and I still feel guilty sometimes.
I’m trying to grow my business and find work because cancer is still expensive. So most of my weekdays involve me presenting myself as a healthy person. Even though I’m low-key stressed out, exhausted and worried about what I might hear at my next appointment.
Even at home with my family, I keep doing all the things like I’m at full health. I pack snacks, fill water bottles, fold laundry, clean bathrooms. I drive my kids to karate and go out with friends. I flirt with my husband and do some grocery shopping and the dishes. I somehow manage to feed everyone every weeknight including making my own salad plus a meal they’ll actually eat. It’s a lot.
I feel like I’m faking it.
The thing is, I don’t want to BE sick. I don’t want to act sick or feel like a burden. My husband works hard. I like doing what I can to make sure he feels loved and cared for.
I either feel ashamed for resting when I’m tired because I’m not helping my family or I feel depleted after helping my family all day like “normal.” I haven’t quite found the sustainable middle yet.
I’m working on teaching my sons how to step up. I’m working on taking time to care for myself when I need it. It’s a practice. I’m not great at it yet. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to being “healthy,” like I was before I knew there was cancer. Blissful ignorance.
I’m glad that I know more about my health now, though. I know that I do have control. I know that I’m on the right path. I’m healing. I’m in this for the long haul. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Sometimes it’s lonely. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I gave up. Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I laugh, too.
I don’t look sick.
Most days, I don’t feel sick.
It feels fake to take care of myself as though I’m sick.
It feels fake to keep doing all the things as though I’m healthy.
I don’t have any answers. I’m still learning.
Thanks for following along with my journey. To support me in my healing, visit saradeacon.com/support for a list of practical ways to help. To make a financial donation, click the button below.