I was trying to find the source of this quote: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” This is one that I’ve found myself repeating over and over again lately. As I send an email, interact on social media, make a phone call. The quote appears to be attributed to Wayne Dyer, Eleanor Roosevelt, Anthony Hopkins and others. Apparently, it’s a more generalized and universal sentiment that has been expressed by more than one person under more than one circumstance at more than one moment in time.
A few months ago, my husband was packing his leftovers up to take to work for lunch. He wished he had some ketchup packets to take along, since he wasn’t thrilled with the other options we had for transporting condiments. I told him that he could ask for some ketchup when he stops in the drive-thru for a breakfast sandwich. He was appalled. I was confused.
He joked that he didn’t want them thinking he was the kind of person who put ketchup on a breakfast sandwich. I was like, “Who? The person who works at the fast food place?”
Yes, them.
I responded, “What does it matter what they think of you?”
I like to challenge my family on these things, sometimes, because I often wonder what people might think about some of the things I say or do, too. Therefore, by challenging them, I also get the added bonus of challenging myself.
The truth is that we never really know who’s watching us. We can choose to show up in our lives as the hero we’d love for others to emulate or the cautionary tale for whoever might be looking our way. The risk in the latter is that others might actually end up emulating that side instead of heeding the warning and running in the other direction. Hence, we should strive to be the kind of person we would want those under our influence to become. This is especially powerful for those of us that have children, because of course, we want them to be way more awesome and successful and well-adjusted than we are, no matter how amazing we have already turned out to be.
I want to go into this a little deeper because like most topics, this one has some nuance attached. Of course, nobody’s perfect. And I don’t think we really want people around us to strive for perfection. Striving for perfection is exhausting, and it’s probably the only thing in the world that’s unachievable. So let’s take perfection off the table. When we are leaders and role models in our lives, in our families, at work, in the community, we have a responsibility to lead by example. No one trusts a leader who doesn’t walk their talk. We’ve all seen how that plays out over the last few years. And this is what I mean when I point to the fact that someone’s always watching us. We need to make sure that our behavior lines up with what we actually believe about ourselves, about others, about the world around us. We especially need to be aware of this if we are in a position of influence or leadership and expecting others to reach their own potential under our guidance.
So how exactly do I make sure that my behavior lines up with my beliefs? Especially knowing that I’ll never get it exactly right due to the whole imperfect nature of being human. Well, I can show up. I can be clear about who I am and then be myself. I can listen with a conscious intention to understand. I can speak thoughtfully. I can learn from my mistakes. I can apologize when I’m wrong, course correct and do the next right thing. I can be open, observant, and change my mind with new learning or new evidence. I can stop taking myself so seriously and practice gratitude, laugh, appreciate small kindnesses and give generously to other people. I can remind myself that even small actions can have a large impact. I can perform each action, no matter how small, with love and stay in such alignment with my highest integrity that no one can say that I am not a person of my word. I can stop caring about whether they say that about me or not. I can get to know myself so well that if I learn someone had a false impression of me, it doesn’t phase me at all.
Because what other people think of me is actually none of my business.
Yes, of course I want to be inspiring and thought of in positive ways. So of course, I’m going to act in such a way that this is all true more often than not. But is EVERYBODY ALWAYS going to look at me with admiration and appreciation for EVERYTHING I do? Of course not. Because everyone is different. We all value different things. We all hold different beliefs. There will always be someone out there who thinks I should be different in some way. And because life is so very public nowadays, the odds are pretty good that I will hear about something I’m doing “wrong.” Probably from some stranger on social media.
I honestly go back and forth on this. There are days when I buy entirely into the fact that what other people think of me is none of my business. I understand that what others think about me is usually more about them than it is about me (because nine times out of ten, it is). And this has actually come pretty easily to me because I do understand this about people. So most of the time, I’m over here, being myself, doing my own thing, almost to the point where I can forget about other people entirely (which can be dangerous in its own way if I want to influence, inspire and guide others with my example). For the most part, I think I personally have a pretty good balance with some work to be done here and there, of course.
On the other hand, I also get very easily sucked into the realm of social media performance. There’s definitely a narcissistic part of me that does want EVERYBODY to ALWAYS look at me with admiration and appreciation for EVERYTHING I do. That’s called the Ego. And I’m still learning how to quiet, tame and work with it. Yet, I’ll still consider each post and each reaction more carefully than I may want. I devote time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere to revising and editing words that most people will only skim past as they scroll on and on. Because my ego is very concerned with how I present myself to other people there. I want to keep my friends. I want my family to be proud of me. I want strangers to think I’m cool. I want the admiration, the appreciation, and to feel like what I have to say is important. That I am important. (Because maybe on some level I feel like I’m not important or don’t have any value to add. Anyone else? Just me? Cool.)
I concern myself a lot with what other people think because I work with people. I serve them, and I want them to have a good experience when they work with me so that they refer me to other people so that I can stay in business and earn an income that supports me and my family. And yet, people don’t necessarily have to think about me in any certain way for all of these things to still happen. When I do or say something, especially online, I have no idea if someone is going to receive it in the way that I would if I were watching myself from the other side. And that’s neither good or bad, it just is. I truly do not know exactly how my messages will be received. And I never really will. And neither will you.
The question I have to ask myself is, “Can I be okay and still move forward not knowing how other people are receiving the signals that I’m putting out there?” Most of the time, because I’m practicing keeping my ego in check, yes.
Every once in a while, though, especially when I learn that something I believe in very strongly conflicts with the belief someone else holds, who I care about, I have trouble being okay with not knowing how my messages will land. Because through social media I can hardly ever tell that anyone even sees what I put out there, much less who sees it and what kind of frame of mind they might be in while seeing it. And holding all of those personalities and variables in my mind as I post or record or share things overwhelms me. It sometimes prevents me from saying what I really want to say or doing what I really want to do at all. So this exercise in putting myself out there consistently and in a variety of ways is a challenge for me. Because it feels like a bigger risk than it probably is. And it’s worth it if I want to grow on both a personal level and in my business.
Recently, I have greatly reduced my cycle time through this kind of self-sabotaging analysis of what “they” might think of me. What matters is what I think of me. Am I in alignment with my purpose and using my superpowers and coming from a place of love? When the answer is yes, as it usually is, even if I screw something up royally, I know that I’ll be okay regardless of what anyone else thinks about me or my failures. I can just let their thoughts be on them. It’s not my responsibility. My responsibility is to my thoughts, my emotions, my work, my attachments and my mental health.
I’m grateful for feedback when I get it, though, both online and in person. Feedback helps me course correct. And that’s when what other people think of me can become some of my business. I don’t want to hang my whole self on one person’s opinion, or on an arbitrary amount of views, likes, comments or shares. But I do want to be mindful if and when the impact of my behavior entirely misses my original intention.
Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” It’s not just “live at peace with everyone,” but as far as it depends on you (me), and if/when it is possible. It’s not always possible. And sometimes other people aren’t ready for peace at the same time as I am.
A beautiful thing about people is that we each have our own thoughts, experiences, wisdom and insight to share. I’m always learning from my kids, my husband, my friends and my clients. I wonder how other people navigate this issue of performance and what other people think of them? I know that a lot of our communication patterns have to do with politeness and respect. Sometimes we even avoid asking for what we really want for fear of seeming “selfish” or “rude” to someone else. When we end up wasting more time dancing around the real issue than if we would have just come out and said what we wanted to say in the first place.
I’ve been practicing this. Being more in touch with my intention. Asking for what I want instead of couching it in formalities and “politeness.” It’s really effective. And sure, I still worry about how it comes across. However, I’ve found that when I just ask for the real thing that I want, the response is usually positive. So what stops you from asking for what you really want? Do you know what you want? Well, first figure that out. Then just ask. Sometimes, there will be no response or a “no” response. Most of the time, though, people are happy to be included and want to help or support or participate or engage either by saying, “hell yes,” or helping you find a different solution that works even better.
Again, we are each the hero in our own story. What other people think about your story is just part of their story. It’s not really about you. We don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are. If I’m so concerned about everyone else that I forget who I am or where I’m going, then I’m not going to get very far. If I can stay focused on my message and my purpose and my intention, then the people who need me will show up. I don’t want the ones who don’t “get it” anyway.
And friends, I know that it can hurt when someone doesn’t like us. It’s so normal and natural for us to focus on and obsess about that one negative comment in a sea of positive ones. However, by shifting back to myself, my purpose, all the amazing things in my life, practicing gratitude and putting my attention on the ones that resonate, I can have a more powerful, positive impact on those people. I am meant to reach the ones whose thoughts and opinions might actually make a difference to how I show up as a better, more authentic version of myself. Those are the people who will encourage me and uplift and support my mission. If I let my fear hold me back, I might miss that opportunity. The opportunity to change someone’s life.
Let’s go back to my husband and his hang up about asking for ketchup while ordering a breakfast sandwich. As it turned out, his fear of judgment from the drive-thru cashier was just a projection of his own judgment. He feels a certain way about people who put ketchup on their breakfast sandwiches. Interesting! How often do we do this? We worry about what someone else might think of us because this is the exact response that we have about ourselves. If we can let that go, and not only stop worrying about what other people think of us, but CHANGE the way we judge ourselves, what else might be possible?
My message isn’t for everyone. Neither is yours. The way I process my thoughts and feelings, the way I choose to act in life is going to rub some people the wrong way. I remind myself often that this says more about them than about me. What they think about me is none of my business. Until it is. I’m not giving myself or anyone carte blanche to be purposefully offensive. There’s a balance here. Even when I’m clearly not coming from a place of hate, I still might make mistakes when I interact with people. It’s how I choose to move forward from these mistakes that matters more.
So what have you held back because of what “people” might say? What message have you been trying to get out there but finding yourself stuck? What if you stopped judging yourself and decided that the people who NEED to see you and hear from YOU are more important than the voices of the ones who might not “get it”? Can you ask someone to do something that you haven’t asked them to do yet because you didn't’ want to seem “selfish” or “rude”? Can you ask for a couple of packets at the drive-thru window and be so confident that you are doing the best possible thing in that moment that it doesn’t make a difference what that cashier thinks? This is your challenge. What’s that thing you want to say but won’t because of how it could be taken wrong? Go do it. I think you’ll be surprised at the kind of people who show up for it. I know I certainly have been.