Have you ever heard the phrase, “No pain, no gain?”
This is a saying that I’ve thought about a lot over the years. Many times, I’ve dissected it and come to the conclusion that it was a load of crap. I thought that if you push yourself into pain, you’ll only end up broken, hurt or dead, and how could that possibly gain you anything of lasting value? Here’s how.
The more work I do in personal development, the more I see the wisdom of, “No pain, no gain.” Also the nuance. Most of the time, absolutes don’t serve us. Only a Sith deals in absolutes, according to Obi-wan Kenobi. And we all know how things end up for the Sith. On one side, seeking out pain for pain’s sake is foolishness. On the other, avoiding pain at all costs restricts growth.
According to recent psychological literature, keeping young people from experiencing pain, disappointment, failure or heartache actually prevents them from developing their ability to build resilience and function independently. This is why so-called “helicopter,” “Velcro,” or “bulldozer” parenting styles have come under fire as newer generations of children are entering adulthood. Parents who behave this way are well-meaning and unconsciously setting their children up to fail.
Most parents obviously don’t want to intentionally inflict pain or trauma onto their children. But eliminating all levels of pain or stress from their children’s lives can also cause a different kind of damage. Do you remember the movie, Finding Nemo? There’s a great lesson here about overprotective parenting. Marlin has suffered so much loss that he can’t bear to lose his only son, Nemo. So he does everything he can to protect Nemo from every danger his fear can imagine. One of the best lines in that movie comes from Dory, who says, “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.”
Like Nemo, children need to break away from their parents’ fears in order to find their own way in the world. If they have been protected from all pain, the first slight pain they experience on their own will overwhelm them. On the other hand, if they have been allowed to struggle a bit, in an appropriate, safe and controlled environment, then they will find themselves more able to handle the larger challenges ahead. If they have failed, hurt, and faced the consequences of their own actions when there’s little at stake, they learn that their parents are there to provide them a safe place to land, space to process and learn, and an experienced perspective that can help them cope and adapt in preparation for the next lesson that will inevitably come their way.
Young people need to learn, as previous generations have, that experience can be their best teacher. Even painful experiences. If you’ve ever tried something new, you know that it is often painful. There is often the risk of embarrassment or injury (sometimes both). Either one might seem like the end of the world from a perspective of fear.
Many of us lack the confidence to try something new because of this fear of embarrassment or injury. It’s not the physical or emotional pain itself, but the fear of potential pain that ends up holding us back.
So what do you do when facing a new challenge and the fear about the unknown that comes with it? The best thing is to make an intentional commitment and act on it as soon as possible. The more time between decision and action, the more opportunity fear has to grow. Remember, you only have to begin once.
Several years ago, I began my karate training as a middle-aged mom. I had never even seen an adult karate class, and I had no idea if I would be any good at karate, even though I’d watched my sons training for years. The hardest part was finding the courage to step onto the mat. Once I enrolled and got out there, my fear melted away because my commitment had been set in motion. I only ever had to take my first class once. And when I look back on my journey in the martial arts and many other areas of my life before and since, my one regret is that I let fear hold me back as long as it did.
The way I see it, you’ll never regret taking a chance. You’ll never regret experiencing the pain of growth. You’re much more likely to regret playing safe, standing still or not letting anything happen to you. That’s where, “No pain, no gain,” comes into play. If you don’t accept the risk of experiencing pain, you will never be rewarded with the growth that comes as a result of taking action, even uncomfortable, challenging or painful action. Allowing for the possibility of pain is a major part of embracing your power and moving toward your potential.
We all have the power to push through our fears. Big fears and small ones. And the fear is usually bigger than the pain. If you can get through the fear of doing something new or taking yourself to a higher level, then you can get through the pain of it. The pain becomes a tool, a teacher. On the other side of that pain is growth, experience, action and momentum. The powerful, confident person you want to be is waiting for you there.
When you’re ready to explore your fears, step into your power and own your future, schedule a conversation with me.