Parents, we were never supposed to raise our children entirely on our own. From the time I began my work as a breastfeeding support volunteer, through my postpartum doula business and in my own experience raising my children, I’ve seen so many of us struggling to have it all, do it all and be it all for our families and children. Especially mothers. But fathers feel it, too.
Whether we had amazing parents or our own childhoods were less than ideal, we parents are pushing ourselves harder and harder to “get it right” for the sake of our own kids. We know we’re going to mess it up, because that’s what humans do, and at the same time, we never want to admit that we need help or that we’re falling short of our own expectations of ourselves. That is also something that humans do. And when words of wisdom circulate around and around about showing up messy or letting our kids see us fail, I know I often feel even more discouraged because I still find it hard to allow myself to be that flawed, imperfect human in front of people, especially my husband and children.
I tell myself, I’m supposed to be the safe place, the one who’s always there, the rock, the glue that holds us together. I don’t have time to feel upset, frustrated, be sad or cry. There’s too much to do. And if I don’t do it, it will never get done. Or worse, if I don’t do it, someone else will, and I’ll miss out on an opportunity to show how valuable, how necessary I am. I love serving my children and my family. It is a huge part of my purpose and my calling. So I truly do appreciate doing things for the people I love. It breaks my heart a little bit when I force myself to give them space to do things for themselves or find other ways to get what they need. They won’t always have me. But I will.
Part of honoring ourselves as parents, especially mothers, is letting go of our kids little by little. We let our children go as early as their birth, when we reluctantly hand them over to our partner, spouse, parents, relatives, friends so that they can share the joy and connection of welcoming a new life into their own. We send them to daycare, to school. We entrust them to teachers, sports coaches, camp counselors, church leaders as well as family members and friends. We let them go, inch by inch, and try to trust that we have made good enough choices for them that they are going out equipped to make good choices of their own. Choices about who they are and who they will allow in their lives.
Some of the influential people on our children’s lives are people that we parents choose for them. As they become tweens and teenagers, though, we lose some of that privilege of choosing. They are far more influenced by their peers than the adults in their lives. Yet, they still look to the adults for direction, guidance and help. It matters just as much, if not more, now as it did when we handed our precious baby over to a nanny, a nurse or their preschool teacher. How we outsource our teenagers’ hearts and minds has a major impact on who they may become.
Parental engagement continues to be a huge factor, of course, even through these years when they begin to push away from us. Things like family dinners and open communication have been proven to improve outcomes for at-risk youth. We shouldn’t stop doing these things that pour our love into their lives. We also do need to understand that they won’t necessarily want or take our advice like they used to. They may even reject it outright. I know that these days, my voice is definitely not the loudest anymore, and likely it’s the very first to get tuned out. I’ve seen evidence to support this claim.
As I let go of my children more and more, I’m considering how I outsource their guidance. I do it with intention, as I have for years, and with the understanding and awareness of how important it is for them to have voices of authority and examples that I can trust to be in line with our values. Even though I'm a professional teen life coach, there are some ways I just can't get through to my own teens for the pure fact that I'm always going to be "Mom" first to them, with all the weight that carries. And doesn’t in these years.
So how are you outsourcing your teenagers?
We have a strong church network, martial arts community and now for my oldest, venturing into school athletics for the first time in high school, a positive group of peers and coaches. These are people who are living purposeful lives in alignment with our values who can challenge them to be their very best selves. I know that I can trust these other adults, teens, families and organizations. The way that they pour into my kids is the way that they would want someone else to pour into their own. These mentors and teachers and friends and fellow parents are all part of that village they tell us it takes to raise a family.
It can feel isolating and disheartening, not to mention stressful, when you believe that you have to have all the answers yourself. That you need to be the one to solve all the problems. And as a parent, I know it can break your heart when you feel like your child is seeking out the guidance that you could give them from anyone and anywhere else. This is perfectly normal, and if you have invested in building a strong, values-based community around you, you can trust that the people they are seeking out are people who will guide them just as well, if not better, than you can yourself.
If you’re looking to expand your community of influential adults for your teenage or young adult child, please reach out to me using the form below.