I have a story. It starts a few years ago. Maybe longer. More like decades, actually.

For as long as I can remember, I was a girl who prioritized comfort. At least when it came to fashion. Blue jeans, leggings, t-shirts, sneakers. I didn’t really care too much about looking a certain way as long as the clothes I chose were comfortable enough. I was fairly active, and I never understood binding oneself up in some uncomfortable thing, especially on the feet, just to be “in style.” I did grow up in the 80s, however, and I loved neon colors, New Kids on the Block and side ponytails. Bonus points for crimped hair. But I didn’t have bangs. I never did that thing where people would roll up the cuffs of their jeans or tuck them into their slouchy socks (it was really uncomfortable to walk around that way).

The thing is, I also went to Catholic school, so having to wear a uniform every day only allowed us so much room for self expression. Even so, I remember how exciting it was to be allowed the choice to wear blue shorts with our white button shirts instead of the plaid pleated skirts on occasion. We could wear pants in the winter, too. Because Wisconsin gets cold, and the tights from back in the day weren’t super cozy. They were also quite itchy. But I digress. I actually really appreciated that I had to wear a uniform to school. Then I didn’t have to think too much about what to wear. That didn’t mean that I never thought about it, though. One time, I wore one of my brother’s sweatshirts on a “dress down” day that I didn’t realize had a rather voluptuous lady in a bathing suit drawn on the back. That was a little embarrassing when someone pointed it out to me, and I looked a little more closely at the clothes I chose after that. Anyway, I was the kind of girl who wore her brother’s sweatshirts to school. 

For as long as I can remember, my preferences aligned more with the jeans/t-shirt/sweatshirt/leggings kind of comfort in fashion. And as I think back on growing up, I do have photographic evidence that I wore the occasional dress. I do remember how much I loved my saddle shoes. And there was this one outfit I picked out on a vacation to Florida that I really wished I could pull off confidently. It was a short skirt with a matching top, and I was super self-conscious about the shape of my legs in adolescence, so I know I didn’t wear the outfit as much as I wanted to.

As I got into adulthood, I played around with skirts. In high school and college, as a self-identified hippie, long flowing skirts and bright orange bell-bottoms entered into the jeans/shorts rotation. I was attracted to that particular style solely because of how comfortable it all seemed. I learned from personal experience that not all of it was as comfortable as it looked. But shopping second hand inspired me and lead to some fun pieces to play with.

Eventually, I decided that skirts didn’t really suit me, and most of the dresses in my closet were for one-time-use formal occasion purposes. So I naturally concluded that I just wasn’t a “dress person.”

And that’s what it’s really all about, right? It’s all about how I define my own self. For years, I avoided skirts and dresses. I still had a couple, but every time I thought I might feel like wearing one, I would put it on and immediately take it off, telling myself that it just “wasn’t me.” 

Skinny jeans and leggings were a similar story. I was self conscious about my legs for a long time. And a couple of years ago, I actually bought myself some shorts at a length falling slightly higher than mid-thigh. When I began to use my legs in new and exciting ways, like kicking really hard, I began to appreciate all the things about my legs that are awesome. I played around with some different ways of dressing my body. I got a pair of leggings as a hand-me-down, and I wore them. I went shopping for new jeans and tried on the “skinny” style. And I looked at myself and realized that my body looks pretty good when it’s dressed at least a little bit “in style.” So I bought a pair. And I got myself some workout leggings and some everyday leggings, and I think I’ve finally found my own balance between stylish and comfortable. I’ve been wearing shorts in the summer and showing off my legs enough that my tan lines are now above the knee.

I have also come to the conclusion that I’m no longer “not a dress person.”

I went shopping at the thrift store a few years ago (buying new clothes is a total rip-off) while messaging my friend. I grabbed a bunch of dresses and just let myself try them all. I bought three. And since then, I have purchased a few more. When I feel like wearing a dress these days, I just wear one. My dresses are flattering and fun to wear. I have stopped worrying about whether or not some theoretical other person out in the world thinks I have no business wearing a certain type of outfit. And while I pay attention to trends a little bit, I do still prioritize comfort and my own preferences over the style of the moment. Which is why nobody can really buy me clothes. Because my tastes are super specific and ever evolving. I don’t know what I will like until I see it and try it on my own body. 

The act of trying on clothes is a lot like the process of transforming an identity. When I associated the simple dress with the kind of person I was—or thought I was—there was a gap between the two. When I first decided that I would BE a dress person, then finding dresses to wear became a fun and joyful process instead of continually falling short of something undefined like I had experienced earlier in my life. 

I’ve noticed in a lot of self-improvement work, as well as through my martial arts practice, that the identity shift is the one that matters most. I can’t inspire anyone to make a change, even if it’s in their own best interest, until that person really believes that they are capable of making that change in themselves. Until they see themselves as someone who does that thing or behaves that way, they won’t be that thing or act that way. It’s why so many of us fail to make meaningful change in our lives. Because we just don’t believe it’s who we are. 

And unfortunately, I can’t make you see yourself any differently than you do right now. All I can do is invite you to try something on here or there to see how it fits. To ask yourself why it might not fit. Because ultimately the answer lies in what you believe about who you are. If you believe that you are or are not some certain kind of person, then that really is the person you’ll be.

I’m not a morning person.
I’m not organized.
I’m just a mom.
I’m a night owl.
I’m unqualified.
I’m a bad speller.
I’m a quitter.
I’m only one person.
I’m depressed.
I’m a democrat.
I’m a republican.
I’m a smoker.
I’m a gym rat.
I’m an introvert.
I’m an extrovert.
And on, and on, and on…

Why do we get so attached to these identities? It’s not us! We are so much more than this. And we have the power to tell a different story if we want to.

Let me tell another story. This one’s not about dresses. This is about how I started my postpartum doula business. I took the postpartum doula training in February of 2017, before I was really ready to commit to the profession. I had a couple of part time jobs and I was doing just fine, thank you. Well, at the end of 2018, I had had a couple of clients and was ready to certify. Then my other part-time jobs went away. Poof! Gone by December. So 2019 was the year that I actually became a postpartum doula. I worked steadily for most of the year. Because I finally decided to define myself as a postpartum doula. To put that title in the headline slot. On social media, on my resume, whenever I could. And my business took off. Now, 2020 was a struggle, but lucky for me, I got to shift and become a camp counselor, an artist, and a karate instructor last year in addition to a doula. Because I realized that none of these labels, titles or identities of mine are permanent. I’m not locked in. Now, I’m a Life Balance Coach. And I’m so much more than any one of these. 

So I wasn’t a dress person. Am I now? Sure. Except when I’m not. And that’s totally cool. These days if I tell myself that I’m not going to do something because it’s “not me,” I’ve gotten wise enough to eventually pick apart the excuse in that phrase and see which of my fears is underneath it. Sometimes it’s something real. Usually it’s a story I’m telling myself that doesn’t necessarily have to be the only story I tell.

So here’s a challenge for you. Think about a story you’ve been telling yourself about who you are. Ask yourself why you’re so attached to the story and entertain the notion of letting it go. If you get that far and aren’t running back to your comfort zone yet, challenge yourself to tell a new story and see where it takes you. Believe that you can be who you want to be, and then do the things that person would do. Most of what I’ve been learning in leadership, communication, and self-improvement/empowerment comes down to this. Our mind is more powerful than we think. Let’s play with how far we can take that power and watch how our whole world changes.