I sat in the dark, holding my toddler who would. Not. Sleep. Without. ME.
I felt the frustration in my body. I was angry at him for needing SO MUCH. I was tired of a long day of being so entirely needed. I was shaming myself for being so angry with an innocent toddler who never asked me to bring him into this world. I was feeling so low.
I rocked him. I looked into his relaxing, trusting face. It occurred to me in that moment that waiting for me on the other side of his sleep was… what? I caught myself and asked what could possibly be more important than this? Wasn’t this why I was here? To make my children feel safe, relaxed, secure enough in my love that they felt brave enough to go out and change the world?
I didn’t have this revelation out of nowhere. My mind and body had been too exhausted to do much more than survive for some time. And it hadn't been that long ago when I would have continued down my spiraling path of guilt and shame, taking out my frustration on my innocent children and wondering why we didn’t have more fun together or better relationships.
The mindfulness work I had been doing, the intention setting and the small self-care practices I had begun to incorporate enabled me to catch myself and ask what really mattered most in that dark bedtime moment. And the answer was clear.
I still wore myself out chasing children. I still skidded into my post-bedtime autonomy with relief and exhaustion from the kids’ unrelenting innocent demands of my body, soul and mind. But from this small revelation, I felt my frustration and impatience gradually falling away. I began to find peace in my role as their mom in that season. I continued to give of myself with more intention and more love. On the surface, not much appeared to change, but in my heart and theirs, the whole world shifted.
I still get frustrated with my kids, especially as they are older now, with more of their own opinions—often highly articulate and persuasive. What I still see in them, though, are those precious trusting faces eager to give and receive so much love. And I am here for it all as they look to me for wisdom, reassurance and to find their strength.
If you or someone you know is ready to have this kind of shift and connect more deeply with your kids, be more present and give your kids your best self so that they feel strong and empowered and deeply connected to you, this is what we work on in my 1:1 Life Balance coaching program. Click below to schedule a quick chat to see if working with me would be a fit.
