Anniversary
One year ago, everything changed.
At the same time, not a whole lot actually changed.
I was diagnosed on a Monday morning. I held out hope, though, because the doctor used very noncommittal language. He didn’t say, “You have cancer.” He said, “Your test results indicate…”
But I got a call from the nurse navigator in the oncology department later that day. And I went in for an appointment the next week. And they told me a story that my body was trying to kill me.
I chose not to believe their story.
Instead, I decided to look into my own self and see why cancer came.
I had to make a lot of difficult decisions throughout the last year. I have not regretted choosing to look into myself.
The last couple of weeks have been incredibly stressful. We have been navigating some challenges as a family, and I have felt the burden of my diagnosis more acutely over the last week than I have in awhile. I realized through the course of a very emotional few days that this anniversary was looming and I still had a lot of feelings to process about both my diagnosis and my entire healing journey to this point.
I’ve been carrying a lot of guilt and shame.
Guilt for being a burden to my family. Guilt for choosing a different healing path than the people who love me would prefer I take. Shame for my hesitance (or inability?) to make any real decision about my treatment until August. Shame about my treatment decisions putting our family’s financial stability at risk. There’s probably more guilt. More shame.
I’ve also been feeling incredibly lonely.
I know that I have people in my life who care about how I’m feeling. I know it intellectually, but for some reason, when it comes to sharing my feelings out loud, I don’t. I can’t. It feels inconvenient. It feels like a burden. I know it’s not. They tell me it’s not.
Which leads to more guilt. More shame. More isolation.
Physically, I feel healthier than I have in years. My body is healing, and it’s taking its time. There’s not a lot to update regarding treatments or the process. It’s mostly just consistency at this point. Keep eating whole, unprocessed foods. Keep doing the treatments I can do. Keep getting adjusted. Keep working. Keep hanging out with my family. Keep writing.
I’ll have another CT scan in spring. The holistic practitioner I’m working with is continuing to see improvements in me as of last Friday. I’m leaving for a work weekend in Tampa this Friday.
I’m putting one foot in front of the other. I’m trying to teach myself to ask for help again because I stopped for awhile. And I’m working on forgiving myself for the last year and everything else.
Taking supplements and showing up to treatments is honestly pretty easy.
Self forgiveness is so much harder.
Thanks for following along with my journey. To support me in my healing, visit saradeacon.com/support for a list of practical ways to help. To make a financial donation, click the button below.