As an American, I have been conditioned to be satisfied by nothing less than the biggest, most or fastest of all the options available to me. I’m always being encouraged to dream bigger, quit “playing small,” and “go big or go home.”
Have you ever found yourself striving for the next big thing? For more money, more power, more stuff? For faster turnarounds, a faster pace or a quick fix? Have you achieved bigger, faster or more and found that you weren’t quite as satisfied with it as you thought you would be and therefore, you’re still striving?
Is bigger really better?
Maybe. But what if it’s not?
When it comes to life and relationships and those things that people value highly enough to mention them on their deathbeds, bigger isn’t necessarily what’s best. It takes a lot of energy to create and maintain a big life. And the truth is, contentment comes in all sizes. Life doesn’t need to be big to be extraordinary. Small is big, too.
When I look at my own evolution, it’s actually the smallest moments that have had the biggest impact.
Some of my best conversations have started by accident.
Some of my most shining moments have taken place offstage.
Some of my biggest blessings have happened in a span of minutes, not hours or days.
Some of my smallest wins have meant the most.
Small is especially big when it comes to teenagers.
Teenagers are facing big questions, massive challenges and infinite numbers of opportunities. We’ve told them that they can be, do and have everything they want in life. And the responsibility to realize a dream life can be a heavy burden to bear. They take it seriously, and they don’t want to screw it up. They don’t want to limit themselves. They don’t want to settle for anything less than having it all. This big ambition is often what keeps the big stuff out of reach.
Just like adults, teenagers are pursuing bigger, faster and more every day. Bigger GPAs, bigger scholarships, bigger names, bigger followings. Faster progress, accelerated learning, quick decisions. More friends, more offers, more classes, more awards, more money, more likes, more options. They are learning, just like us, that achieving bigger, faster and more is not necessarily the most effective way to move forward or find satisfaction.
Instead, the emphasis on performance, productivity and results leads to stress, burnout, anxiety and depression. This pursuit of more and more external validation leaves our teenagers feeling isolated, lost and questioning their value as a person. The pursuit of big leaves them feeling smaller than ever.
Instead, I want to invite you and your teenagers to think small.
There’s nothing wrong with seeing the big picture, dreaming the big dream or pursuing the abundant vision you have for your life or theirs. But for many of us, we’ve been so fixated on the big that we’ve forgotten that the big always starts with the small.
I taught a karate class last week in which I overlooked a student. It was completely unintentional, and I have plenty of reasons why it happened. But this small mistake in my eyes as the adult in the room was a big deal to that little child. It was a moment that could have completely broken trust between me and the student and me and the family member watching. When that student’s small voice brought attention to my error, it was a big deal because it took big courage. I seized the opportunity to make it right, and by shifting my focus to invest in a five-minute fix of the situation made it a positive big deal instead of a negative one for that student and anyone else watching.
This was a small moment. A small mistake. A small voice. A small correction. And what will the student even remember? My hope is that they remember the lesson that everyone makes mistakes, even the people we look up to. My hope is that they remember that their voice matters. My hope is that they remember feeling seen, heard and empowered instead of confused and excluded. It might seem like a lot for a child to remember, and I don’t expect all of it to land. What I don’t want is for a small mistake to become a big story about their own importance. For better or worse, small moments like these can become big.
Small moments stack up day after day. Week after week, year after year, they combine and grow. We are either connecting or isolating. We are either turning toward each other or turning away. We choose to care or we choose not to. We are either building trust with our teenagers or we’re undermining it.
When your teenager expresses concerns that seem trivial or fleeting, that’s the time to get in there with them and play small. Let them know their voice matters. That’s where you build trust, confidence and resilience. When the stakes are low and the choices are forgettable, there’s a big opportunity that parents can miss. The opportunity to connect, correct and empower.
Think about the most transformational times in your life. Think about the stories you tell. Think about the people who made the biggest impact on you. Maybe it was something big like a trip, a trauma or a huge event. More likely, there was a simple word, a powerful image, a silly idea, a five-minute conversation, a new thought, a decision, a habit, a whispered prayer or a thoughtless reaction. It seemed small, but it wasn’t.
In any relationship, we take small actions to build connection and trust with each other. If you are struggling to build or maintain trust with your teenager, try playing small.
Be available
Teenagers are going through a phase of separation. They need to discover their own identity apart from the family. This often translates into long hours spent in their rooms, online, on phones or out with friends. Let them know, through your words and actions, that you are available to them when they do need to talk or when they want to connect. If they come into your orbit and you are busy working or on your own phone or computer, turn toward them and give your full attention. They don’t always know how to ask for it directly. A great time to talk and listen is in the car. So be available to drive them to or from school or activities. Be available to drive them and their friends around, and if they’re old enough, let them drive you.
Be curious
Teenagers often assume that adults, especially parents and teachers, have an agenda when they initiate a conversation. Set aside your agenda, expectations and judgment when you ask questions about your teenager’s life or future plans. Instead, seek to understand. Offer advice only with permission. Many times, the small act of talking it out and being seen and heard will be exactly what they need in order to find their own way through.
Be quiet
Use fewer words. You don’t have to be 100% silent, but most of the time, biting your tongue will open a door to understanding that would be impossible during a one-sided sermon. I don’t remember a single word from any lecture I received as a teenager. What I do remember is when my parents listened. I remember when they saw me. I remembered when they sat with me. They held space for me to discover who I was becoming. They were there. They showed me with their words and actions that they had my back. This allowed me to trust myself and trust them, to come to them for support or encouragement, which I still do as an adult.
These small actions seem simple, but in the heightened dramatic and hormonal landscape of life with teenagers, they are not necessarily easy to keep up. However, if you continually play small, you’ll yield bigger and bigger rewards in the most important areas and relationships of your life.
What’s something small that made a big difference in your life? How can you show up small for your teenager or for someone else this week?
If you enjoyed this article, check out this episode of my podcast, Martial Arts & Crafts:
Hide & Seek
Martial Arts & Crafts