I watched my mother carefully chopping organic vegetables, and I don’t know if I have ever felt so grateful.

Planning a Fast

Food has been a struggle.

I told my husband that I was thinking about doing a 3-5 day fast soon. He laughed and said, “That bad, huh? You’d rather not eat at all?”

Yup.

I know what to eat. Mainly vegetables and fruits. Organic if I can get it. I’m loosely following the Square One protocol, and on the advice of a few other trusted professionals, I’m including cooked foods and some grains. They told me not to eat too many salads in the winter because it takes a lot of my precious energy to digest raw food. Which means that I can’t just throw a bunch of veggies in a bowl and call it a day.

(I’m eating more salads in Florida because it’s enough like summer, and my body feels good about it. And the vegetables are prepped and labeled in the fridge.)

Cooking vegetables is a whole thing. I try not to think about whether I’m using the right kind of oil or whether the heat is destroying the nutrient content. I know that I’m not doing it right, but I’m starving.

And that’s when I even have vegetables in the house to cook. Shopping has always been a burden. When I actually go to the store, it takes me no less than an hour. When I don’t go to the store and send my husband or do an Instacart pickup, I inevitably forget something.

When I have the right food in the house, it takes me an hour to make my lunch because of the chopping and the prepping and the cooking if I’m cooking. The blender has helped (thanks, Aunt Cathy!), but a smoothie doesn’t always satisfy hunger like a bowl of something warm and hearty. It is great when I’m on the go. Take whatever I have in the fridge and freezer, add water, blend. No chopping required.

Chopping Broccoli

My husband loves to cook, and even though he knows that I’ve never liked to cook, I’m not sure he really understands how much mental bandwidth it takes for me to feed myself every day. When we came to Florida to visit our families on spring break this week, not only did my parents have all the organic vegetables I could eat and then some, so much of it was already chopped up when we got here.

When I thanked them for that small kindness, they made a point to chop up the rest. They even cut the broccoli and cauliflower two different ways. Small for salads and larger for snacking and dipping. Even writing about this right now brings tears to my eyes because even though it’s such a small thing, it means that I’m not spending these precious few days of our vacation consumed by what I’ll consume.

Of course it’s about so much more than vegetables.

They support me and what I’m trying to do for my health. They’re seeing me, hearing me and looking for small ways to put their love for me into action.

Most people don’t notice the tiny things like this that others do for them every day. Most people forget gratitude. I guess that’s why we need gratitude journals and social media posts and reminders in church on Sunday to practice gratitude.

I know that there is a lot I do in my daily life that goes unnoticed or unappreciated. I’m sure that I’ve been unaware and unappreciative of a billion other small things that my parents have done for me and provided over the years, too.

I guess I show up for my own kids the way I do because I can’t possibly return every favor my parents did raising me.

Practice

A lot of us, especially moms, have trouble receiving. That’s been my story for a long time. Too embarrassed to admit to needing. Too stubborn to admit I can’t do everything myself. Often confused and torn between the call to serve and the call to rest. Add in other people’s expectations, whether real or perceived, and I so often feel like I’m falling short.

What kind of strong, independent woman needs her mommy & daddy to cut her food for her?

The thing is, I don’t.

I don’t need them to cut my vegetables. I do need care, support, healing and a restful vacation. And I might not know exactly how to get any of those things. Identifying needs is a practice. Accepting gifts with gratitude and grace is a practice. Noticing, acknowledging and appreciating small acts of kindness where I feel seen, heard and held is a practice.

I’m getting better at all of these things.

Thank You

This was supposed to be a post acknowledging all of the gifts and support I’ve received so far. The large ones. The unexpected ones. The fun ones. The quiet prayers I know have been continually offered up to heaven. I appreciate all of it. And there are so many gifts and blessings that I know even if I made a list, just like Instacart, I’d leave something or someone out.

So if you’ve been praying for me. If you’ve sent me something from my list. If you’ve reached out to tell me something encouraging or make me laugh… I love you.

Thank you for cutting my vegetables, too.