Have you ever wanted something so badly, gotten it, and then realized that it was more difficult to handle than you expected?

I have.

And when I dared to express that I was having a rough time, instead of receiving the hug and reassurance I was after, I was told, “Well, you wanted this.”

This response, while technically true, was not helpful in the moment. In that particular moment, I was feeling weary, worn out, frustrated and in pain. What I needed was a moment to be seen, heard and held. I needed support in order to continue on my path forward. And when I didn’t get it from the person I trusted, instead of feeling strong or independent or grateful for getting what I had indeed very much wanted, I felt abandoned. I felt small.

There have been other times when I’ve asked for specific, practical help. One time I was told to ask someone else, as if the mere act of asking hadn’t already wiped out most of what little strength I’d had in me at the time. On another occasion, I received the specific help I asked for, but it came with a begrudging attitude that I didn’t expect. Other times, asking for help led to interrogation. Why do you need help with this? Why don’t you do less? Why aren’t you more? Why don’t you quit? Why can’t you just tolerate it? Let me say this: if I’ve gotten to the point of asking for help, I’ve already asked and answered all of those questions (and more) in my own head too many times to be able to articulate it all again for someone else.

So maybe I don’t ask for help or share my struggles much anymore. It’s a matter of trust. It’s hard to trust people. Especially the ones who have let me down in these small ways over time, whether they are aware that they’ve done it or not. 

Through many years of pursuing my passions and taking action toward my dreams and desires, I have felt lonely, unheard, dismissed, unsupported and misunderstood. I have felt crazy, stupid and worthless. I have practiced vulnerability and trust over and over. I’ve always considered myself a trusting person. I have also been wounded and knocked on my ass, which tends to leave some bruises on my willingness to get up and trust again. I have had my very own family members look at me like I have two heads and anticipate the day they would say, “I told you so” when I finally fail or come to my senses and quit.

Well, what did I expect?

I’ve always been a weirdo. There’s a reason Gonzo was my favorite Muppet. I want to stand out. I want to be noticed. I want to add my shade of weirdness to the beautiful tapestry of the world. What I didn’t expect was how lonely this would really be (Muppets from Space didn’t come out until I was mostly grown). Most people aren’t taught how to support a crazy dreamer. Most people forget the level of influence they have in relationship with one another. Most people don’t realize how important community is to success. Most people think that their limited perception of the way things are is the truth. 

In karate, a student earns a blue uniform when they make a commitment to do whatever it takes to achieve the rank of black belt. The kids make their commitment to themselves in front of their instructor and their parents. They have to answer a number of questions to help them learn what it means to make such a commitment. One of the questions asks them who they can rely on to support them when (not if) their journey gets difficult. Parents, siblings, instructors and peers are the usual answers. The families are made just as aware of the importance of a student’s commitment as the student is.

I think we could all use more of this level of awareness regarding the commitments we make to ourselves off of the mats as well. For both the goal setters and their support system.

Do you have a crazy dreamer in your life? Or maybe you’re a big-dreaming weirdo like me? I have some advice for both of you.

If you are fortunate enough to have a passionate pursuer of dreams in your life, there is a fine line between holding them accountable to their own goals and holding them back from realizing their full potential. The phrase, “you wanted this,” can communicate from either side. In my story above, the tone was dismissive: “suck it up, buttercup;” “too late now;” “you made your bed, now lie in it;” “you asked for it;” “you wanted this, so you don’t deserve to complain.” A more effective approach would have been something along the lines of, “nothing worth doing is easy;” “I know it hurts, and I know you’re strong;” “you wanted this, and you can do it;” “I’m here for you;” “don’t give up, I believe in you;” or “look how far you’ve already come.”

Feel the difference?

If you happen to be the weirdo, I’m right there with you. It’s okay that other people don’t understand you. You don’t need to explain yourself. Keep taking action toward your goals. Your courage is reminding other people of their fears, and getting over those fears is their work to do, not yours, no matter how much they try to put on you. Find other people who get it. Look to the ones who are living the way you want to live and listen to their wisdom and advice above the noise of the rest. Put yourself in a supportive community full of other weirdos. They don’t have to be exactly your brand, but they do need to be willing to see you, hear you, support you, encourage you and celebrate your unique shade of weirdness when you feel like you suck. And don’t stop looking for them if you don’t find them right away. Don’t stop expressing yourself or asking for help. Don’t stop reaching out. No matter how many wounds are still tender. No matter how often you’ve been knocked on your ass. 

Just because you want something badly enough to take action to get it doesn’t mean it’s not going to be difficult sometimes. In fact, the things that are most valuable in life are going to cost you something. Signing up to pay that price doesn’t mean you don’t deserve support when things get tough. In fact, it’s even more important that you have support, and ask for support when you’re pursuing something important, like when you’re following through on a commitment to yourself.

There is a reason that you see the possibilities that you see in front of you. There is a reason that you want what you want. A powerful reason. And your failures, no matter how public or painful, are opportunities to grow more fully into yourself. NOT reasons to give up. Each time you get it wrong, you have the ability to do the next right thing. Whether you are the weirdo or the one who loves them. You set the tone. Stay open. Keep going. 

You asked for it, now go and get it! Need help? Let’s talk.