Remember asking “why” about everything? Why is the sky blue? Why is a dog called a dog? Why do we wear pants? 

Why did you ask so many questions? 

Why did you stop?

Maybe you didn’t. If you’re anything like me, you honestly still ask a lot of “why” questions. Some might even say, “too many.” I still feel like a three-year-old sometimes with how often I ask why. I’ve often noticed, however, that a lot of people are terribly thrown off when asked to answer, “why”.

Why do you think that Simon Sinek’s TED Talk, “Start With Why” has over 9 million views? Why the book of the same name sold over a million copies worldwide? 

On some level, we all want to know why. We’re wired for problem solving, and asking “why” helps us figure stuff out. We know that the “why” of things is important. And we understand that the answers to “why” questions are not always going to be obvious. Maybe we stopped asking “why” so much because we began to realize that no one person has all the answers we seek. If you always get the answer, “I don’t know,” you’ll learn to look elsewhere for information. Do you also question those sources? Do you widen your circle of inquiry? Do you read? Do you listen?

There are big WHY questions, like “Why me?” or “Why now?” Those are the questions it seems that only God can answer. Then there are smaller “why” questions like, “Why isn’t this working?” or “Why did I say that?” We can often answer these questions on our own, although at the same time, we might not really want to know the answers.

Personally, I love “why” questions. I love asking them, and I love answering them. This is because I’ve made a habit of facing my own fears and getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. And that’s exactly what a “why” question will do–bring underlying fears to the surface, confront us with a certain level of discomfort. Most people will say that they want a solution to their problem, but they won’t necessarily get as far as to ask why they have the problem in the first place. So the “solution” they’re drawn to is just a suppression of a symptom instead of truly healing the deeper issue. This is true in many of our governing systems in the United States (banking, healthcare, political, legal, etc.) as well as in our daily experiences in relationships, at work or matters of mental and emotional well being. 

How many times have you left a conversation wondering what happened? Maybe you didn’t get the answer you were looking for or someone got offended by something that was said. Maybe you walked away feeling confused, dismissed or unheard. Did you start the conversation knowing WHY you were having it in the first place?

If you come into a conversation knowing why you want to have that conversation and exactly what you’re hoping to accomplish, the interaction is much more likely to be effective for you. We self-improvement types like to call it being intentional. If I know my intention, I bring awareness to the interaction, and I can see if I’m on track or winging it in real time. I can measure the impact against a clear intention, aka my “why.”

Asking “Why” can be as simple as checking in with yourself before a neutral conversation. It can be powerful when used in a more emotionally charged conversation. And it can change lives when asked about beliefs, attitudes or behaviors.

Obviously, asking “why” is profoundly useful when it comes to having coaching conversations. I also happen to think that if more of us asked “why” more often, we would have a greater understanding of the world around us and be more connected to each other. But only if we ask “why” with the intention of listening to and learning from the answers we receive.

Asking why is important, and having a genuine curiosity behind the asking is key.

I’ve noticed that some folks ask why because they want to put the other person on the spot, secretly knowing that there might not be a “good” answer and wanting to feel superior in their position of authority or expertise. This is the kind of attitude that divides more than connects. It’s not the kind of “why” questioning that I recommend. (I would even invite you to ask yourself “why” if you confront people with this type of energy.) If you think back to the child, that 3-year-old who asks “why” long after it stops being cute, usually they are not thinking about being annoying or catching you without an answer. Most of the time, that child is genuinely curious about the world, and even if they don’t seem to be hearing your answers, they are always learning from how you respond. And it’s this energy that I recommend bringing into your own queries about the world, even as you move through your adulthood.

Answering the “why” question can open doors of great understanding, empowerment and connection. When we understand why something is the way it is, we are more likely to remember the facts and information surrounding the topic under scrutiny. When we know why we’re asking, we’re more likely to connect with the answer. The process of asking “why” allows us deeper insight into ourselves and the world around us, even if the question isn’t ever answered to our satisfaction. And if we do somehow manage to find an appropriate answer, we have the clarity and confidence to apply the knowledge we gain.

So tap into your inner 3-year-old and start asking “why” again. Intentionally. Consciously. Openly. Ask yourself. Ask your family. Ask your coworkers. Ask parents. Ask little children. Ask teenagers. Ask God. Ask everyone. And let me know what you learn!