I hear a lot of complaints about teenagers’ lack of motivation. But is it really true that teens are not motivated? Or could it be that they are just motivated by different things than adults are?

When you have to wake your teen up in the morning, what is their usual response?

Mine usually groans, rolls over and puts his head under the covers until I come back five minutes later to make another attempt. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “I don’t want to,” on a weekly basis. Maybe it’s similar in your house. And that’s just to get them out of bed in the morning. What about motivating them to do their chores, find a job, finish homework or practice a basic level of personal hygiene? A lot of the time it seems to us as though teenagers just don’t care.

I often hear parents talk about this perceived lack of motivation in a way that labels their children lazy, apathetic, disengaged or even armchair diagnoses them with depression or some other mental disorder. What else could be true?

Often, what’s actually happening with our so-called “lazy” teens is that they are experiencing a sort of purgatory state. They know that they’re not really children anymore, and at the same time, they’re not quite adults, either. They long for the carefree security of their childhood days while simultaneously fighting tooth and nail for their grown-up independence. This is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. No wonder they want to sleep until noon.

The thing is, most teenagers are not lazy at all. They’re not depressed. They’re not apathetic. In fact, they care so deeply it hurts sometimes. They just don’t always care about the same things that adults care about. They don’t care in the same way as adults do, which sets you as the parent up for drama and power struggles.

Have you ever tried to make someone care about something?

Here’s a hint. It doesn’t work. Even if you can somehow get another person to go through the motions and behave as though they care, you can usually tell when their heart isn’t in it. And that’s where adults and teens end up at odds. Parents can still essentially strong arm their children into going through the motions while the teen’s attitude tells the story that they’re not actually buying into the whole experience, whatever it may be. On the surface, this means that the parents get what they say they want, but they’re not satisfied with the result because the thing is not really the issue. The real issue is the attitude, changing the underlying motivation.

Many parents say they want their child to be responsible. To be motivated. A lot of the time, though, these parents don’t actually know what they’re really asking for. What does a motivated teenager even look like? Does it look like the one on their phone in their bedroom all day? Does it look like the one mowing the lawn on a Saturday afternoon? The one up playing games online with friends until the wee hours of the morning? What if this is exactly what motivation looks like?

Parents, when you’re asking that your teen be more motivated, what you really might be looking for is the responsible adult version, where they set their own alarms, clean up without being asked and connect the dots between their actions and the consequences of their choices. I’m sorry to tell you that most teens haven’t quite mastered this kind of motivation yet.

Instead, they’re motivated by their ego to pursue pleasure or to avoid pain. They’re motivated to stay in their room because they feel like every time they engage with the family, they’re being asked questions they don’t know the answers to, which feels threatening to their sense of identity, making it preferable to hide. They’re motivated to mow the lawn because it means earning an allowance and the ability to buy something frivolous that they want. They’re motivated to leave their stuff laying around so they’ll have easy access the next time they need that stuff. It’s not a lack of motivation, it’s a more immature, self-serving type of motivation. And it’s a stark contrast to the less egocentric, more fully-functioning adult type of motivation you may be trying to teach them right now.

So what can you do to encourage the kind of motivation that you want to see in your teenager?

The good news is that most teens are truly interested in serving a purpose beyond their own egos. Often, when you can more clearly articulate your expectations along with why something is important to you and your family, why it may be relevant to their future, you’ll find that they’ll get on board. As a parent, your role is essential. Continue to be consistent, and build the habit of giving them reminders or support without undermining their need to take ownership and know that you trust them and their abilities.

Here are three steps you can take to help motivate your teenager to a higher level:

1. Verbalize your expectations. Make it crystal clear what you expect them to do. Use the exact words, “This is what I expect from you,” and then describe exactly what you want to happen. Let them know why it’s important to you, to the family, to the team/community/etc. Ask if they have any suggestions about how to keep themselves accountable. Offer your own suggestions where appropriate and agree to provide any necessary support.

2. Verify their understanding. Make sure that your teenager heard what you wanted them to hear. Invite and address any clarifying questions. Use the words, “What did you hear me say?” And don’t let them off the hook until they give you an answer. Restate your expectations in a different way if they were misunderstood until you’re both clear about what to expect.

3. Regulate your own emotions. A memorable piece of advice I refer to often is that as parents, it is not our job to join our children’s chaos, rather to invite them into our calm. You set the tone, so make sure that you are intentional about your follow-up with your teens. Remind them and yourself about any expectations and accountability agreements. It’s better to resolve issues when your emotions are under control because they have less control over their emotions than you do. You’ll be less likely to take their emotions personally when you remain in control of your own.

Motivation can be tricky with teenagers. The truth is, motivation can often be tricky with adults, too. I think that part of the reason I hold my own children to a high standard in this area is because I struggle to motivate myself at times, and I want to teach them a better way. It is difficult to teach the lessons we have yet to learn ourselves. That’s why outside support is so important. 

If you’re looking for new ways to encourage your teen’s motivation so that they can grow in their confidence and independence, let’s talk.