If I have any teens in my audience, let me apologize in advance. I’m going to make a comparison that you might not like very much. Please believe that I’m making this comparison for your benefit, and hopefully you’ll understand my intention as I explain myself.

Parents, do you remember when your teenager was a toddler? Toddlers and teenagers are not as different as we might first think. When you become a parent, you bring home this beautiful little infant who is so needy and cute and snuggly, and in just a couple of short sleepless years, you have a whole person in a small authoritarian body who has become fiercely independent but still very much needs your constant presence and attention. “No” is a frequent word heard in your home, from both the grownups and the tyrannical toddler. The power struggles are real, even though parents have the final say at the end of the day.

Not so many years later, you have a whole person now in a larger, more awkward body using things like logic and reason and evidence to assert their independence and authority in your household. It becomes harder for you, as a parent, to know if taking advantage of your ability to have the final say is helping or harming your relationship with your teenager. Teenagers might feel out of control, frustrated and misunderstood when “No” comes more often than “Yes” again.

With a two-year-old (or the aptly termed “threenager”), the arguments might be about which color cup they get at dinner or putting on their shoes. These are not always the most difficult power struggles, and sometimes they end with screaming and tears. 

With a teenager, the arguments get to be a little bigger. They’re about things like chores, grades or dating. Sometimes, these arguments also end with screaming, tears or the occasional slamming door.

Of course, neither of these arguments are really about what you think they’re about.

With your toddler, it’s not really about the color of the cup. The color of the cup matters because your child wants the ability to make their own choice. They’re not upset about shoes as much as they’re upset about not having control.

The same holds true for the subject matter of the arguments with your teenagers.

Teens push back against their parents because they’re getting close to legal adulthood, when they know they’ll really have to start taking responsibility for themselves. They want to test their ability to handle this responsibility in a way that still feels safe because their impending adulthood actually scares the crap out of them. They may not even realize this, and even if they do know this to be true deep down, they’ll never admit it to their parents.

When you tell your teenager that they can’t wear that outfit or spend time with those people or drive to that area at that time of night, what they hear is that you don’t trust them to make their own decisions about their life, and you don’t trust that they will be able to function as an adult on their own without you. That’s kind of a big deal.

Your toddler tested your patience because they were at a developmental stage where they’re first beginning to understand that they are separate beings from you, their parents. Your teenager is also in a developmental stage where they are beginning to really understand their need to separate from you, their parents, in order to claim their rightful place in adulthood.

Obviously, both of these developmental phases are important for their own reasons. When your children were toddlers, it was easier to recognize and empathize with their conflicting needs and desires for both self control and parental security. When you have a teenager who sounds so much like a full-blown adult, though, it can be harder to notice and empathize with those same conflicting needs at play.

Showing understanding and empathy for your teenager is going to look a whole lot different now than it did when they were a toddler. The good news is that they do have the ability to communicate what’s going on inside their minds at a high level. If you’ve cultivated a relationship in which your children feel secure enough to share themselves with you, you both can learn from each other exactly how to meet the different needs that come up. If your teen doesn’t feel like they can communicate with you openly and honestly, you can always find a way to reset. It’s not too late.

Parents, I want to challenge you to remember that sweet toddler who pushed all of your buttons in the most adorable way possible when you look at your teenager. That sweet child who longs to find comfort in your arms is still in there somewhere. They know that they still need you. And they don’t always necessarily want to still need you. So maybe they pick a fight about a thing they know you’ll fight them about. But it’s not really about the thing. It’s really about wanting to be seen for who they are now, not who they were as babies. They’re practicing putting distance between you, and they want to see if you’ll still be there for them if they change their mind. It’s not so much about testing your limits as a parent as it is about seeing how far they can go where your love will still reach them.

When was the last time you fought with your teenager about something stupid? Was it really about that stupid thing? Or was there more to it when you dug a little deeper?

To talk more about the thing behind the thing, please contact me.